Email Can Erode Relationship

Have you ever written what you thought was a rather innocuous email only to find out much later that the recipient found it both offensive and hurtful? Or have you ever received an email that came off rather strident, even mean-spirited, and left you wondering how in the world you managed to tick of the author?

As we all eventually learn, there is much more to interpersonal communication than the passing along of words. In fact, those who find success in relationships, both personal and professional, understand the place of non-verbal cues which provide the emotional guardrails for the words you speak, as well as those you hear from others. By guardrails I mean those boundaries or context that shape and add necessary nuance to the words themselves. In face-to-face conversation we may not even realize how eye contact, smiles, body language, pauses, pace, and other non-verbals allow both the sender and receiver to understand what is really meant by what is being said. But, turns out there are even more cues included in these conversations than we know.

Daniel Goleman is the man who first brought the world the idea of “emotional intelligence.” This has fast become an area of study for those interested in the relational aspects of family and business life because it seeks to understand and enhance just how and why we relate to one another the way we do. Much of the research has centered on brain function, and Golman and others have made amazing discoveries which now allow us to chart which parts of the brain that give us certain emotions, and cause us to react and respond the way we do.

In his latest book, The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights, Goleman describes the fascinating discovery of what are being called “mirror neurons.” These brain particles apparently respond, not to what we are thinking or feeling, but to what we see others doing or feeling. He describes several academic research projects that tested these neurons, and the results were quite astounding. Turns out we now know the why behind a phenomenon we all already recognized. You know how, when one person in the group yawns, several others will yawn as well? Here’s why: The yawner gives off visible signs (the yawn, the sigh, the shaking of the head, etc) that stimulate the mirror neurons in others, producing the same action in them. And while this might be a no-brainer to us, the research actually goes further to help us understand why sometimes emails (and other non-personal communication) is so badly communicated and misunderstood.

Research has shown that we all give off hundreds of facial and other non-verbal cues. The television show Lie To Me has popularized this area of research (most of it based on the work of Dr. Paul Ekman) but that makes it no less real. Turns out some of these cues are aimed at our mirror neurons. For example, if the person talking is happy or excited, or serious, our mirror neurons can pick up on it and begin to give us the same feelings. But when the communication is via email, these cues play no part in the exchange. In fact, research has shown that the absence of all non-verbal cues, and especially the absence of those aimed at mirror neurons causes the receiver to take on a position of negative bias from the start. The means, unless an email starts off quickly with something positive, we will usually approach it from a negative stance, especially if the sender is not well known, or is someone we’ve not come to understand and appreciate.

All that to say, be careful your emails. They can sting and hurt unnecessarily. Emails are a great way to send thoughtful notes and pass along unemotional information. But as a means of real communication, they suffer from an absence of those non-verbal cues we all use, even unconsciously, to make sure what we mean is getting through in the words we’re using. When it really matters, pick up the phone, or better yet, knock on the door.